All's Fair in Love and War
by Viviparity
Summary: The ninja world has been plunged into a war with the Akatsuki. They are breaking their members out of jail and are determined to win, yet they still have time for love and bad jokes.  Rated M for everything that could possibly make it M.  My first story.
1. Sasori, Hidan, and Free Porn

AN: IMPORTANT! THIS IS MY FIRST STORY!

If you don't completely forget about the current story line, you will be extremely confused!

First off, none of the Akatsuki members are dead (except for Pein/Nagato)! The members have been captured and thrown in jail for the sake of this story!

PS: Madara looks like he does when he was still young vs. the really old man I know he is xD

(Any characters I don't mention were killed in the Invasion of Pein unless I say otherwise)

:D have fun keeping up with my story!

Pairings:

OC x Hidan

OC x Madara

Tsunade x Jiraiya

Konan x Hidan

Itachi x Sakura

Sakura x Sasuke

Itachi x Sakura x Sasuke

(Hinted) Konan x Pein

(If you squint) Kakashi x OC

Note: They may change!

:D read and review people! (if anyone is out of character, let me know, I'll watch/reread Naruto and fix it :D)

DISCLAIMER: I don't own Naruto Shippuden or any characters except Emi!

"Emi! Emi! Where are you?" Madara Uchiha yelled as he ran down the halls of the current Akatsuki base. Emi Sora, Zetsu, and he were the only members left of the Akatsuki. They had lost their numbers which didn't make fighting a war against several countries easy.

"Here I am!" Emi Sora exclaimed as she jumped out of a brick wall. Madara, fell backwards, obviously not prepared for Emi to jump out of the wall.

"You need to stop doing that," Madara said as he picked himself off the ground and dusted his robe off. "It's annoying."

"Sorry, Madara. I won't do it again. Promise." Emi made an x over her heart and gave Madara a kiss on the cheek.

"It's fine, but the next time I call you, I need you to come to me, not the other way around."

"Okay."

There was an awkward silence for a few moments before Emi spoke up again. "What's the status on the war so far?"

"All the nations joined forces, they have their best trackers after us, and they won't kill us if we surrender."

"That's not happening. I won't surrender."

"Neither will I, Emi, not when we are this close..." Madara whispered to Emi as they walked down a hallway and into the main cavern. "...Sadly, I will be the only one to die."

Emi stopped walking. Madara turned around to face her. "Konahagakure will keep you alive. They are determined to get both you and Uchiha Sasuke back to their side. I would rather die than see you have to go back to that Kami awful village."

Emi stopped and looked at Madara with a sad expression. Madara walked over to her and pulled her into a tight embrace. "It's okay. I won't let them get you." Madara mumbled in her ear. "If needed, I will have Zetsu follow you for protection." Emi nodded her head no. "I kinda don't want to end up as plant food. Black Zetsu doesn't like me."

Madara laughed. "Relax, we might actually have a chance at winning this war. I currently have Zetsu listening to the military chatter. So far, all we know is that there will be four squads of at least four from each village, and hundreds of ANBU Black-Ops." Madara stroked her hair, Emi's face buried in his chest.

"How is that reassuring?"

"Emi, you executed a stadium full of soon-to-be Chūnin, their families, twelve exams proctors, and a squad of fifty ANBU Black-Ops. And, you did that all in less than five minutes. You'll be fine. This is no different from the Chūnin Slaughter and the Uchiha Massacre. Only difference is that these guys will be a little stronger and they will be aiming to kill." Emi looked up from his shirt.

"Your right. We do have a chance at winning this, even without the numbers the villages have."

Madara nodded his head. "Emi. Grab your sword, your cloak, and anything else you need. We have some old friends to bust out of jail."

"Kakashi! This is not a debate! We are fighting a war in case you haven't noticed!" Lady Tsunade shouted and stood up from her chair.

"I understand the position that you're in, but we need her alive." Kakashi said as he handed a picture of a girl with long white hair, pale skin, and red eyes. "She is more important to us alive than dead."

Lady Tsunade rolled her eyes. "What makes her so special?...you slept with her?"

"No. She is the last surviving member of the Sora Cl-" Lady Tsunade interrupted Kakashi by standing back up in her chair with such force the chair was knocked out of the window. "Gimme that!" She exclaimed as she snatched the picture off her desk. "Well, she sure does look like a Sora. They always did creep me out..."

"All I ask is that you inform all of the teams to be on the lookout for her." Kakashi placed ten old books on the desk. "Also these will help the teams."

"What are they?" Lady Tsunade grabbed one off her desk and started to skim through it.

"It's the information Kabuto gave us about the Akatsuki. It tells you ever thing that you need to know about the Akatsuki members. The only one that isn't filled in is the page that is marked Tobi. It's possible that he and Emi are currently partners. Also, tell the teams that if they come across Tobi alone, they should not fight him, he is the current leader of the Akatsuki, and he is very dangerous. Chances are, Tobi and Emi will pair up, and if a squad runs into both of them at the same time the squad should not engage. If they find the squad a threat, they will attack without hesitation. At this point, the squad has two options. Surrender and die, or run away. If the squad runs, Emi and Tobi will catch up to them, they can move faster than anyone in this village can, and when they catch up, the squad will be killed. It will be rare to see one and not the other, so squads will have to look out."

"You really thought this threw didn't you Kakashi?" Lady Tsunade sighed and walked over to the window. "Go. Get the info to the teams."

"Thank you." Kakashi said before he disappeared in a puff of smoke.

Madara leaped through the tree tops as fast as he could. He knew that Emi could keep up with him, so he didn't bother to slow down or take a rest.

Emi hopped down a few levels. She continued her running on the forest floor, she looked up at Madara, who was in the tree just above her. She was smart, she knew that this war was going to end badly for at least one of them, if not all of them.

Emi shook those thoughts out of her head and concentrated on her foot work. She jumped back up beside Madara. "No one."

"Odd." Madara mumbled as he jumped down a few levels to the tree branches a couple feet away from the floor. Emi stayed on the top branches. A few minutes later, Madara appeared at her side again. There was a clearing in the woods a couple meters from where they currently were. Emi looked a Madara. He shook his head and jumped down to the forest floor, Emi right behind him. They ran for a bit before entering the clearing. Madara took out a kunai and carved an arrow pointing away from the clearing. "We go this way." Madara said as he pointed in the opposite direction that the arrow on the tree was pointing. They jumped back into the trees and headed for Sunagakure. It would take at least six days to get from Iwagakure to Sunagakure, but when they got there, it would be worth it.

'When the hell are they coming? I hate waiting.' Sasori thought as he looked from his cell walls to the floor. He was so sick of waiting. He wanted to get out of his cell, he wanted to see his puppets again, and he wanted a new body, his current one was missing an arm and was cracked. 'Damn that Sakura for destroying my b-'

An explosion went off and a short figure appeared from the dust. "Sasori, you miss me, hmm."

"D-Deidara?" Sasori choked out, trying not to sneeze from the sand. Deidara grabbed hold of Sasori's only arm and ran with him to his clay bird. Once they were safely off the ground and above the village, Deidara pulled the scope down over his eye.

"Your hair got longer since the last time I saw you." Sasori said, tugging on Deidara's pony-tail. Deidara slapped Sasori's hand away from his hair.

"They they are, hmm." Deidara mumbled to himself as he lowered the bird onto the sand. Sasori didn't even know who 'they' were until they hopped on the bird. "Emi? To-"

"Madara Uchiha. Tobi isn't my real name." Madara said, helping Emi untie a box from her back.

Deidara tensed up after hearing 'Uchiha' from Madara. "Speaking of Uchiha, we don't have to go get that Itachi bastard do we, hmm?"

Emi turned to Deidara. "Eventually, but not right now. We need to go get Hidan and Kakuzu first."

"It should be somewhat harder to get Hidan than Kakuzu. Kakuzu is in a lower threat cell with fewer guards. Hidan, on the other hand, had to make this hard for us by killing and raping sixteen of his guards. He is in the highest security cell."

Madara continued where Emi left off. "We are going to need a distraction. Deidara you will focus on the distraction. Blow up a floor of the prison or something. Sasori, while Deidara is distracting the guards, you grab Kakuzu. I can get Hidan out."

"No, I'll get Hidan." Emi said as she crawled over to Sasori with a box that was, up until this point, on her back.

"Open it."

Sasori opened the box. Inside was a human puppet that looked just like his old body. The hair color was the perfect maroon, and the eyes were deep chocolate brown.

"Well, how did I do?" Emi asked.

"Great." Sasori replied, popping his heart canister out of his old body, and into his new one. After he was done, he threw his old body off the bird and into the desert sand.

Madara gave Sasori and Deidara their cloaks and rings back. "Well, off to save Hidan and Kakuzu."

"To Takigakure!" Emi exclaimed, taking some of the clay off the bird.

"Put. It. Back. Hmm." Deidara said, trying to control his temper. He didn't make the bird for it to be taken apart out of boredom.

"Awww..." Emi whined as she put the clay back on the bird.

"Damn..." Gaara whispered as he watched the giant clay bird fly out of the city. Tamari walked over to stand next to him. "What's wrong, Gaara?" She asked, looking to the sky, trying to see what he saw.

"Inform the Leaf Village...Sasori has escaped..."

He picked the female guard off the ground of his cell, immediately throwing her life-less body across his cell and into a wall. He smoothed out his silver hair and sat down in the middle of the symbol that was drawn in blood on the floor. As his skin turned from black to its usual color, the other inmates began clapping and cheering, some even smiling because they hated the woman just as much as the Jashinist did.

The inmates continued to clap, cheer, whistle, and shout while Hidan began his prayers. Hidan rolled his eyes, walked over to the bars of his cell, and stuck out his middle figure. "Shut the Fuck Up! How am I supposed to pray when I can't fuckin' hear myself!"

Kakuzu sighed. Unfortunely, even being a whole floor under Hidan didn't help block out his constant swearing. He felt somewhat sorry for the guy in the cell under Hidan's.

A guard walked by, and Kakuzu walked over to the bars of his cell. "Pst!"

The guard turned around.

"Could you do me a favor?" Kakuzu asked, quietly extending his tentacles so the guard wouldn't see.

"What is it?"

Kakuzu slipped his tentacles into the guard's pocket. "Never mind." Kakuzu said, extracting the money from the guard's pocket as he walked away.

"Fifty ryo..." Kakuzu mumbled, pocketing the money.

"Hidan. You have a visitor." One of the male guards said as he walked over to the cell. The guard's face turned pale at the sight of the blood bath that was Hidan's cell. When Hidan walked towards the bars, the guard backed away a bit.

The visitor, a short female with white hair and red eyes, approached the cell bars. Hidan walked over to meet her.

"Hidan?" Emi asked as she reached her hand through the bars, palm up, a key sitting on her pale skin. Hidan took the key and pocketed it. Emi grabbed the collar of his shirt and slammed him up against the bar, facing her.

"In precisely a hour, this floor is going boom. Get out of here before it happens. Madara is getting Kakuzu. Just get yourself out of here." Emi whispered in his ear before she nipped at his neck's pulse point causing him to give out a deep grown. "Just to let you know, the cell door is unlocked." Emi whispered, looking at the lock on the cell door.

"Then what's the key for, babe?" Hidan asked as he held up the key for Emi to see.

"The key is in case one of the guards closes the cell door." Emi whispered before Hidan pulled her into a rough, lust filled, kiss. Emi let go of his shirt and took a few steps back away from the cell, breaking the kiss. "Good luck..."

"Kakuzu, visitor." The guard mumbled, opening Kakuzu's cell door. The visitor, a male wearing a hood that concealed his face, stepped into the cell. The guard moved to close the door. The visitor looked the guard in the eyes, and he dropped dead. Madara pulled off his hood, and Kakuzu let out a sigh of relief. "Damn it, Uchiha. I thought you were a crazy assassin or a tax collector." Kakuzu mumbled.

Madara let out a small laugh and led Kakuzu out of the cell.

Hidan sat down on the bloody floor of his cell and looked at the key in his hands, his purple eyes reflected on the shiny surface. He counted to ten and walked out of the cell.

Just as he stepped out of the building, a bomb blast sounded, and the prison was destroyed.

Deidara's clay bird landed in front of him, and he jumped on.

Upon seeing Emi, he crawled across the, now airborne, bird to sit next to her. Hidan pushed her down onto the bird, straddled her waist, and trapped her hands above her head in one, not so graceful, movement.

Hidan looked at Madara. He was sleeping, that meant green light for Hidan.

"You're such a fuckin' tease." Hidan said, shifting his weight so his hips were lined up with Emi's.

"Free porn..." Sasori whispered to Deidara. Deidara whispered to Kakuzu. "This isn't free porn. Five ryo or I wake Madara up, hmm." Kakuzu sighed and handed Deidara five ryo.

"How long do you think it'll take Madara to wake up?" Sasori whispered to Deidara, who shrugged.

"I'll bet you five ryo that Madara wakes up in the next thirty seconds, hmm." Deidara whispered to Kakuzu. "You're on."

"Enough..." Madara mumbled. Kakuzu sighed and handed a smirking Deidara five ryo.

"...how is anyone supposed to sleep when you two are going at each other..." Madara said before he went back to sleep, not registering in his head what Emi and Hidan were doing. Madara's eyes shot open. "No, nononono, not happening." He said, pulling Hidan off Emi.

For the rest of the ride back to Amegakure, Madara sat next to Emi, and Hidan glared at Madara from across the bird.

They flew through the night, everyone falling asleep except, of course, Deidara who was driving. Deidara looked back towards where everyone sleeping. Hidan was sprawled across the bird, his limbs everywhere, Kakuzu was laying like he was in a coffin, money in his hands, Sasori was just laying there, but what shocked Deidara was Emi and Madara. Emi was snuggled up to Madara's chest and Madara's arms were wrapped around Emi. Madara's Akatsuki cloak served as a blanket, and Emi's served as a pillow.

Deidara sighed. He really had to get himself a girlfriend...


	2. Itachi, Sakura, and Beauty Sleep

"Lady Tsunade..?" Shizune proceeded with caution. She had never experienced Lady Tsunade after she had been woken up in the middle of the night, but Shizune had a pretty good idea of how mad Lady Tsunade was going to be.

"Shizune...do you know what time it is?" Lady Tsunade groggily called from the darkness.

"Yes, I know, bu-"

"This couldn't wait until morning?" She interrupted. Rustling of sheets echoed from the darkness.

"No, the Akatsuki, they-"

"The Akatsuki..?" A deep male voice asked from the darkness. Shizune's face turned redder than the Sharingon. She pretended she didn't recognize or hear the voice.

"The Akatsuki have been breaking their members out of prison." Shizune stated calmly, trying to drain the redness from her face.

"Who-" Lady Tsunade and the mystery man started together. Lady Tsunade's voice took over. "Who is missing from prison?"

Shizune was pretty sure her face was purple. "Um-um... Deidara from Iwagakure, Sasori from Sunagakure, and Hidan and Kakuzu from Takigakure."

Tsunade let out a sigh. "I'll be out in a minute..."

Shizune quickly ran down the hall, her heels clicking violently on the wood floor, she was so caught up in her own thoughts, when she accidently bumped into Sakura, she yelped. "LADY TSUNADE ISN'T SLEEPING WITH LORD JIRAYA!" Before clamping her hands over her mouth and running down the hall again.

Sakura just stood in the middle of the hall in shock, her face also turning purple.

"Your a bunch of heathens!" Hidan yelled at the top of his voice. Madara jumped awake.

"You pagen mother fu-"

"Shut up!" Madara yelled, immediately attracting Hidan's attention. "It's too early to listen to your lunatic ravings..." Madara muttered, attempting to go back to sleep.

"Jashin is forgiving! He can-"

"Save us from hell, we know. Can't you just allow us to rot in hell? We are trying to sleep." Sasori mumbled, turning to face away from Hidan.

"Shut up bitches! I'm trying to save your damned souls!" Hidan yelled in Deidara's ear. Deidara covered his ears. "Shut up, hmm!" Deidara yelled, turning his attention back to steering the bird.

"You shut up Barbie!"

"Barbie?" Deidara yelled, reaching for his clay. Kakuzu stopped Deidara and gagged Hidan.

"You get the right of free speech back after we get at least two hours of sleep." Kakuzu said, going back to sleep.

"Sakura, is that you?" Itachi's horse voice called out as soon as Sakura reached the bars of Itachi's death row cell.

"I'm here, but I don't have good news." Sakura whispered, opening the door and stepping inside the cell. She walked up to Itachi and pulled the blindfold off his eyes.

The first thing Itachi noticed was that she had been crying. "What's wrong Sakura?" Itachi asked. Sakura wrapped her arms around Itachi's torso, hugging him around the various chains that restraint him. "They upped your execution date..." Sakura said, tears streaming from her eyes.

"Basically, we break into Konahagakure, get Itachi, and get out without killing unless it is unavoidable. Emi, you will slip into the cell and uncuff Itachi. Hidan you will go with her in case of anything goes wrong." Madara explained.

"Does Itachi know we are coming for him?" Sasori asked no one in particular.

"He does... I hope..." Madara mumbled the last part.

"Deidara, you get to be a distraction again. Blow up a bomb over the city, if anyone interferes, blow up a part of the village." Madara said turning to Deidara who nodded his head in agreement. "Sasori, you will have to get into the village undetected. Zetsu and I are unsure of which prison Itachi is being held in, and it's your mission to find out where."

Sasori nodded.

"Kakuzu." Madara started. "You will help me. We need to get more money so we can better equip ourselves for this war. I will help you kill anyone with a large bounty on their head and take it to the collection office."

Kakuzu nodded.

"We can do this without getting killed or captured. It's no different from busting Kakuzu and Hidan out."

Hidan huffed and crawled toward the edge of the bird. "We are right above the gate. Barbie, land this piece-of-crap over here." Hidan said as he pointed to a clearing in the woods not too far away from the village gates. "Barbie? PIECE OF CRAP, HMM?" Deidara screamed. "What the hell is wrong with you, hmm? You don't see me walking around calling you a zombie, hmm!"

Hidan stared at Deidara. "What ever you say, Ken." Hidan turned to face away from the, now extremely angry, Deidara. Deidara walked over to Hidan, picked him up by his cloak's collar, and attempted to throw a punch. Hidan had dodged the punch, flipped himself over, and pinned Deidara to the bird.

If you were close enough to the scene, it would look like Hidan was strangling Deidara, which is what he was doing, but to anyone not sitting next to them, it looked like Hidan was raping Deidara.

Madara rolled his eyes and pulled Hidan off Deidara. "Okay, Hidan, go sit by Emi. Deidara, go sit next to Sasori. Hidan, don't talk to Deidara, and Deidara, don't talk to Hidan. Deal?" Madara asked as he pulled Hidan across the bird to Emi.

"Deal, hmm." Deidara said immediately.

"No de-" Hidan started to say before Emi clasp her hand over his mouth. "Don't cause trouble, please. Just say you accept the deal." Emi whispered in his ear and took her hands off his mouth.

"Fine. You win. Deal." Hidan said dully.

Deidara grounded the bird and it proofed away. Everyone spilt up into their groups. Itachi was supposed to be executed tomorrow morning at sunrise. They had less than four hours to find out where Itachi was and bust him out.

Hidan and Emi checked around. They had no luck at all. It seemed as though the Konaha ninjas were unaware that Itachi was even alive.

"Excuse me." Sakura said, bumping into Emi and shoving a piece of paper into her hand. Sakura kept walking but looked back quickly to see if they understood.

Akatsuki,

Itachi Uchiha is being held on death row in a prison next to the forest of death. You have three hours before his execution, please hurry.

Sakura Haruno

"They just had to make this hard, didn't they?" Hidan said.

"There has to be around thirty guards surrounding the place."

Hidan sighed. "Poor weasel bastard."

"How are we going to get into the building with all of those guards stil-" Emi was cut off by a loud explosion. Hidan ignored it and continued to watch the building. "I know how to get in." Hidan said.

"How?" Emi asked.

"We walk through the door..." Hidan said, pointing to the crowd of guards running out of the building to try to stop the bombs. Emi rolled her eyes.

Itachi tilted his head up to the ceiling of his cell. Of course, he couldn't see the explosions due to Sakura having to re-blind fold him, but he knew who those explosions belonged to. Deidara. "It's about time." Itachi mumbled out when he felt the presence of Hidan and Emi by the bars of his cell. He had been tied up with chakra draining hand cuffs, and he looked sad. It was probably from all the torture he had to endure. Hidan broke the cell door down, Emi ran inside, unlocked the cuffs, and removed his blind fold. Itachi leaned up against Hidan for support. "I hope you two realize that I was supposed to be executed tomorrow." Itachi choked out.

"We know. Why else would we come and get you today instead of coming to get your body tomorrow." Hidan laughed. Emi smacked him on the shoulder. "Can you walk, Itachi?" Itachi nodded no. "Well, Hidan will have to carry you."

"Fuck no!" Hidan screeched.

Emi rolled her eyes. "Hidan, please?" She asked.

"Nope."

"Bend over." Emi said plainly, looking at Hidan.

"What?" Hidan screeched again.

"Stop yelling. Bend over."

"I love it when you boss me around." He purred. Emi motioned for Itachi to head over to Hidan. Itachi jumped on his back. "What the hell? Emi?"

"Sorry, but I can't carry him, and you're a big strong guy." Emi said, kissing his cheek.

"I will make you pay for this later."

"I know."

With Itachi on Hidan's back, Emi running in front, and the village getting bombed, they headed back to the clearing where Madara and Kakuzu were waiting.

"And where do you think you three are going?" Jiraiya asked, jumping down in front of Emi. "Hidan go, get...Tobi!" Emi yelled.

Hidan ran past Jiraiya, who tried to stop him and failed due to Emi blocking the attack.

"You must be Emi Sora. I've heard a lot about you." Jiraiya said, charging at Emi. Emi flipped out of the way. "Your the Toad Sage yes?" She asked, forming a few hand seals, then stopping, closing her eyes.

Jiraiya took a few steps back. "Oh no." He grumbled, running off in the other direction.

Emi stood there, watching him run. "Well, that certainly was odd...These leaf people certainly are interesting..."

Emi headed back to the bird.

"Well, he looks like hell." Kakuzu commented. Itachi gave him a death glare which immediately shut him up. Itachi was badly hurt from the torture, very skinny from the lack of food, dehydrated, and low on chakra. Nothing that a few days rest couldn't fix.

They flew over a hot springs on the way to Kirigakure. Emi had somehow convinced Madara and Deidara that staying at a hot springs for a night would help Itachi to recover.

Emi sighed as she slipped into the hot springs. It felt great to just relax. Sure, they were fighting a war, and they had probably pissed off Konahagakure...

"You let them get away?" Tsunade yelled at Jiraiya, who backed down, raising his hands in a 'I surrender' form. "Now, now Tsun-"

"Don't 'now Tsunade' me!" Tsunade exclaimed, taking a drink from her bottle of sake, then slamming the bottle down on her desk causing Shizune to jump.

"Shizune!" Tsunade yelled, turning to Shizune.

"Yes, m'la-"

"Get Kakashi in here!"

"Right aw-"

Tsunade slammed her fist on her desk and Shizune ran off down the hall.

Emi sank down into the hot springs when she heard a noise. Footsteps? They were coming closer...

"Boo!"

Emi screamed and turned around. Hidan stood there laughing.

"Oh, so you think that's funny? Then you're going to love this." Emi said, grabbing Hidan's leg and pulling him into the hot springs with a splash. Emi started laughing at the angry expression on Hidan's face. Everyone knew that Hidan did not like to swim, and that's what made it even funnier.

Hidan approached Emi with a lion hunting it's prey look in his purple eyes. Emi took a few steps back. Hidan continued walking towards Emi until she was backed against a boulder, and he was standing no more than a couple of inches away from her face.

Emi took on a serious tone of voice. "Your clothes are wet."

"I'll just take them off, then." Hidan muttered, sucking on Emi's pulse point. She bit back a moan. "Hidan, you can really be a horny bastard sometimes, you know."

"I know and I don't give a fuck." Hidan mumbled, sliding his hands from her neck to cup her breast. She let out a whimper when he slid her onto his lap. He crushed his lips onto her's and began to grind against her slowly. Emi moaned and raked her nails down his back causing him to groan loudly.

"Hidan." Itachi said. "I don't mind you screwing Emi, just keep the volume down. I'm trying to sleep." Itachi grumbled and moved back behind the rock. Hidan flipped him off and pulled Emi closer to him. She felt like a sandwich in between a rock and a...hard place. Emi moaned at the feeling of his throbbing manhood through his pants.

"I need my sleep. Go somewhere else, or I'll make it so Hidan doesn't have anything worth moaning about." Itachi grumbled from behind the rock.

"Why the fuck are you threatening me? Emi's making the noise!"

"Your making her make the noise." Itachi said, disappearing behind his rock again.

Hidan sighed and picked Emi up out of the springs. She let out a little screech when he grabbed her upper thighs, shifted her weight, and pined her to a near-by tree.

Needless to say Itachi did not get the sleep he needed.

There was only one member left to save. Kisame. After Pein and Nagato died, Konan defected to Konahagakure. Kisame managed not to end up in jail, but that didn't make it easier to find him. If he doesn't want to be found, chances are, he won't be found.

"Shit! Shit! Shit! Shit! Shit!" Lady Tsunade screamed and pounded her fist onto her desk, causing Shizune to jump. "What's wrong, Lady Tsunade?"

"What's wrong? What's wrong? The Akatsuki have been busting their members out of prison cells, and to top it all off, Sakura is fraternizing with the enemy!"

"She's what?"

"She was sleeping with Itachi!"

"Now, Lady Tsunade, where did you get that from?" Shizune asked, putting her hands on her hips.

"Sh-"

Knock. Knock. Knock.

"Enter!" Tsunade yelled, leaning back in her chair.

Kakashi slinked into the office, standing in front of Tsunade's desk, right next to Shizune.

"You called?" He said, putting his hands in his pockets.

"I need you to keep an eye on Sakura." Tsunade said. Kakashi's showing eye widened.

"Why?"

"Lady Tsunade thinks-" Shizune started.

"Knows!" Tsunade interrupted.

"Knows that Sakura is seeing Itachi Uchiha." Shizune continued. "She might end up like Sasuke."

"Why is the weasel staring at us?" Hidan whispered, turning to face Emi who was laying down on the clay bird.

"Because we kept him up all night." Emi mumbled, closing her eyes and attempting to get some sleep.

"In more ways than one..." Hidan grumbled.

"I heard you, Hidan." Itachi said from across the clay bird. Hidan flipped him off. Emi slapped Hidan on the shoulder and gave him a glance that clearly said 'behave or you won't get any later'. Itachi flipped off Hidan. Hidan stuck out his tongue. Emi grabbed it before he could put his tongue back in his mouth. "Keep it in your mouth." Emi let

go of his tongue.

"Can I keep it in yours instead?" Hidan purred, licking up her neck. She shuttered.

"Hidan, if you don't keep it in your pants, I will toss you off my bird, hmm." Deidara warned before turning his attention back to steering the bird.

"Fuck off, Barbie." Hidan muttered, sucking on Emi's ear. Emi pushed Hidan away from her. Emi yawned. "Hidan, I'm tired. I need to get some sleep." She turned to face away from Hidan.

"Rejected." Sasori shouted to Deidara across the bird. Deidara smirked.

"Fuck you, Pinocchio!" Hidan yelled to Sasori.

"Actually, it's more like fuck you. I still have a chance of getting laid today while you, on the other hand, will be using your hand." Sasori said, high-five-ing Deidara.

Kakuzu snickered. Hidan flipped him off. Kakuzu stopped snickering.


	3. Madara VS Hidan

AN: I Don't own Naruto Shippuden, I only own Emi

: No one is reviewing

: I am sad

"Lady Tsunade, so far none of the countries have reported Akatsuki sightings. They've fallen off the radar again." Shizune said as she handed Tsunade a map with Akatsuki sightings marked on it.

"Wait a minute..." Tsunade said, drawing on the map. When she was done she held up the map to show Shizune. The connected dots formed a near perfect smiley face.

"They are playing with us." Tsunade sighed, dropping the map down on her desk. "Call for a meeting with the Kages. This is getting out of hand."

Shizune nodded and ran out of the room.

"I fuckin' hate fog!" Hidan's shouts echoed in the mist surrounding the outskirts of the village. Deidara couldn't see where he was going, so they were now walking to the village. They had to find Kisame.

"We know. This is the third time you've said it." Kakuzu grumbled. He was just glad that they were almost to the village. He wasn't sure he could take any more of Hidan's complaints.

"I hate water!" Hidan yelled.

"You hate everything." Madara stated.

"Good for you." Hidan said. "How the hell do we even know if we are going in the right direction?"

"Easy. We don't." Emi said. "If we want to find Kisame, we have to think like Kisame, which mea-"

"Fuck no! I am not masturbating to Finding Nemo!" Hidan screeched, his voice echoing in the fog.

"I never said you had too." Emi sighed. Sometimes it was so hard to explain stuff to Hidan. He never really listened to what you say.

"Chances are, Konahagakure has figured out what we were doing, and they probably already have a team out here somewhere looking for, not only us, but Kisame too." Emi said, subtlety directing her eyes into the deep fog to the left of her. 'We have some visitors...' Emi mouthed to Madara. It was a good thing that Emi noticed the ten Kirigakure ninjas, as soon as she mouthed those words to Madara, they leapt out of the fog.

All being trained ninjas, everyone was able to dodge the sneak attack.

Emi reached for her sword and pulled it out of it's sheaf. Wrapping the metal chain around her figure, and twirling the sword at a high speed, she managed to lop off the heads of three of the ninja.

Madara was busy with Itachi, both killing a ninja with their Sharingon. Hidan sacrificed one, Deidara blew up two, and Kakuzu strangled one.

The only remaining ninja turned around to run, and bumped right into Kisame, who chopped him in half with his Samehada.

Kisame looked around at his fellow Akatsuki members.

"How long have you been standing there, hmm?" Deidara asked, pointing to Kisame.

"Long enough to know that Hidan won't masturbate to Finding Nemo, that he hates fog, and that he would rather be doing something else besides 'looking for an overgrown guppy with intimacy issues that couldn't even get laid if he killed a whore and tried to rape her dead body'."

"We can't lose this war!" Raikage A exclaimed, taking off his hat. "We won't. We can't. It's a group of ten verses five groups of more than ten thousand ninjas." Mizukage Mi Terumī stated. Tsunade sighed. They were supposed to be working on a battle plan. "Shut up." Gaara said. "We are gusts of the leaf...listen to Tsunade..."

The doors to the conference room opened. A short, blue haired woman walked into the room and took a seat next to Gaara and Tsuchikage Ōnoki.

"Who are you?" Mi Terumī asked. Konan looked at her. "I am the Amegakure leader, Konan."

Tsunade slapped her forehead. Konan was not supposed to be at this meeting, let alone revile herself to the other Kages. Just when you think things can't get worse, the Akatsuki steps in.

"Even though we still down two members, we still have a chance at winning this war. We have everything we need, except an attack plan. If we can catch them off guard, we could take Konahagakure. If we succeed in that, the other villages will be easier." Madara explained.

They all were currently in Amegakure, the home base of the Akatsuki. It was always raining, which gave Hidan another thing to complain about.

They were in a room sitting around a round table. Clock-wise it was Madara, Sasori, Deidara, Kisame, Itachi, Emi, Hidan, and Zetsu.

"We should attack when the village is at its weakest." Madara continued. "We should start to go after the squads they put together. Once we get rid of them, they will send out more, leaving less ninja presence in the village. Then we surround the village and attack."

"That might work, but how do we find the squads?" Sasori asked.

"..." A silent pause filled the air.

"We could hunt them?" Kakuzu suggested.

"That's actually a good idea. We split up into teams of two, just like Pein had us. Me and Emi, Itachi and Kisame, Sasori and Deidara, and Hidan and Kakuzu. Zetsu, you mediate between the teams. Each team will pick a hunting ground. Kill any ninja, regardless of whether or not they are from Konahagakure. Any objections?"

Everyone shook their head no.

"Okay then, we start at dawn."

"Wait!" Hidan shouted!

"What is it, Hidan?"

"I say we should make this into a contest. Whichever team kills more, wins."

"I'm fine with that." Emi stated. "But what do we win?"

"Bragging rights and over sized egos..." Sasori mumbled.

"Actually, I like to idea. Zetsu will keep scores and the winner gets an inflated ego and bragging rights." Madara said, standing up.

"Umm... I don't think Sasori meant that literally..."

"I have an update, Lady Hokage."

"What's gone wrong now?" Tsunade mumbled. She wasn't sure how many more updates she could stand before she goes crazy. None of the updates have been good news.

"The Akatsuki have been killing any and all ninja with in a forty mile radius from each of our allied villages."

Tsunade sighed. "What's the body count?"

"Around our village alone, one hundred twenty seven, around Sunagakure the death toll is one hundred twel-"

"WHAT!" Tsunade screamed, breaking the windows of the Hokage office.

"Unfortunely, they are killing any ninja that leaves the borders."

"Who is killing the ones from our village?"

"We believe it to be Emi and Tobi, but we have limited information due to the fact that we can't get close to them."

Tsunade stood up from her chair and headed towards the door of the office.

"Lady Hokage! Where are you going?" She followed her out the door and down the hall.

"I'm going to put an end to this." Tsunade turned to the ANBU captain. "Assemble a team to come with me, we need to stop this before it gets any worse."

"Well, we made a mess." Emi commented, dragging part of a dismembered corpse and giving it to Zetsu who ate it with a crunch. Emi cringed at the noise.

"Leave the blood, Zetsu. The village can have that." Madara said coldly.

"What's wrong, Madara?" Emi asked, handing a head to Zetsu and walking over to stand behind Madara.

"What's wrong?" Madara turned to Emi. "You never told me you were sleeping with Hidan!"

"I didn't know that I needed your permission to sleep with someone."

"Well, now you do, okay."

"No, it's not okay. Why does it even matter to you?"

"It does!"

"Why?"

"BecauseIcareaboutyouandIdon'twantyoutogethurtbecauseofhim!" Madara quickly yelled out.

"...what?"

Madara grabbed Emi's waist and pulled her into a kiss.

"Sorry to interrupt." Tsunade said, hopping down from a tree. Madara and Emi immediately pulled apart and took on an attacking stance.

Emi had her hand on her sword's chain and Madara stood there, staring at Tsunade.

"I assume you two are responsible for this mess." Tsunade said, gesturing to the blood that stained the grass and the blood that was on Madara and Emi.

"You have assumed correctly, Slug Princess." Madara said, spite evident in his voice.

"Ahh, so you've heard of me, but I have no clue who you are, mind telling me?"

"Madara Uchiha."

"And they call me old...your what? Hundred twenty, hundred fifty?"

"One hundred seventeen."

Emi's eyes widened in shock. He looked like he was twenty, twenty five at the most.

"Emi, a piece of advice. He's wayyyyy too old for you. He probably needs Viag-"

"Are you here to fight or insult me?."

Emi almost started giggling.

"Well, I assume telling you two to leave would be pointless."

"You assume corr-"

"How many are there?" Emi asked, pulling out her sword.

"How many of wh-" Tsunade started

"Don't. How many? Or would you rather I find out the hard way?"

Tsunade didn't say anything. Emi mouthed something to Madara. Madara nodded and activated his Sharingon.

"The hard way it is then." Emi swung her sword in a circle, Madara jumped the blade when it came in his direction, Tsunade did the same.

Twenty decapitated ANBU bodies fell from the trees, hitting the ground with a thump. The heads fell next, followed by the blood which stained the trees crimson.

Emi turned her attention back to Tsunade. Tsunade's face was pale, her eyes wide in shock, and her mouth open.

"It's a trick blade." Emi said, walking over to one of the bodies and wiping the blood off her blade and onto the dead ANBU's white robe.

Tsunade stood there in shock. Madara rolled his eyes and deactivated his Sharingon. He was actually looking forward to fighting against the slug princess.

"Let's go. She won't fight us now." Madara took hold of Emi's waist and jumped onto the highest branch of a nearby tree. They jumped from tree to tree for a while before Emi spoke up.

"Madara I-"

"Emi, I know what you're going to say-"

"No you don't."

"Yes I d-" Madara was cut off by a kiss. It took him a minute to realize that she was kissing him, before he responded by pulling her so she was up against his body. He slinked his arms around her waist and licked along her bottom lip, begging for entrance into her mouth, which she granted. Their tongues battled for dominance before they had to break for air.

She was blushing. He was slightly confused. He thought that she was with Hidan. Was she seriously considering dumping Hidan for him? Madara chose to ignore that fact. Thinking about Hidan would defiantly ruin the moment for anyone.

Madara pulled her into another kiss. Now he knew why Hidan just couldn't seem to keep his hands off her. She let out a little moan and pressed her body closer to his. She was driving him crazy. He moved his hands from her hips to the back of her knees, picked her up, and carefully walked her over to the trunk of the tree they were standing on. She wrapped her legs around his waist causing him to groan. His lips moved from her mouth to her neck causing her to gasp and move her hands down his chest to the growing bulge in his pants.

He moved away from her. "I-I, uh don't think we should do this. What if Hidan finds out?"

Emi pulled Madara back to where he was before he moved. "Screw Hidan." She whispered in Madara's ear before dipping her hands in side both his pants and boxers to stroke him.

Madara let out a loud groan. As soon as she touched him, his brain broke down and his sex drive kicked in.

Madara slipped her Akatsuki robe off her shoulders and took her black turtle-neck shirt off. His hand moved to message her breast threw the black lacy fabric of her bra while she pushed his robe off his shoulders and pulled his shirt over his head.

"Sasori and Deidara: 1362 kills, Hidan and Kakuzu: 1742 kills, Itachi and Kisame: 2956 kills, and the winners are Emi and Madara with 4183 kills." Zetsu announced.

"Damn. I told you that you didn't need to pray after every kill. We could have won." Kakuzu complained.

"Stop being a pussy. We don't need excuses. It was all your fault for taking time to collect bounties anyway." Hidan said, walking up to Sasori and Deidara and pointing at them. "What's their excuse?"

Deidara faced his hands in Hidan's direction. The little mouths stuck out their tongues.

Hidan flipped them off. The mouths spat in Hidan's direction. "Okay, spitting is gross, this is where it stops." Kisame said, stepping between Deidara and Hidan. Hidan spat on Kisame. Itachi tried not to laugh at the expression on Kisame's face.

Madara was in heaven, but he was about to be dragged into hell by Hidan. He had the best night of his life with Emi, and he was pretty sure Emi did too. He knew that Hidan was rough, but there were hand shaped bruises everywhere on Emi's hips, legs, and on the inside of her thighs. He could only imagine how tight Hidan must have gripped her. Emi snuggled more into Madara's chest. Hidan didn't seem like the cuddling type. He probably made her get up and leave. Madara pulled his robe back over Emi's shoulders. Hidan probably didn't even give her his robe to keep her warm.

Why was he comparing himself to Hidan, he knew he was better than Hidan. That's why she chose him over Hidan.

Ugh, Hidan. They still had to find a way to tell him without making him too angry. But right now, Madara didn't have to worry about that.

When Emi woke up around noon, they got dressed, and headed back to the base where everyone was waiting for them.

They walked into the main chamber where everyone was sitting in their usual spots. Emi took her seat between Hidan and Itachi. Madara sat at the front of the table.

"We were late because the Lady Hokage decided to drop by." Madara explained, sharing a quick look with Emi that did not go unnoticed by Itachi.

"You won the contest." Sasori said, giving Itachi a 'what's going on?' look. Itachi shrugged.

Madara was glad that Hidan was dense. During the meeting, everyone, except Hidan, had managed to figure out that he and Emi slept together. He just hoped that no one told Hidan.

Madara walked down the darkened hallway to his room. His feet made muffled taping noises as they hit the rock beneath his sandals. He heard a small noise, and stopped walking for a minute or two before continuing down the hall. BAM! He was violently pushed into the wall, held up by his throat, by none other than Hidan.

"Mother fuckin' bastard." Hidan spat, tightening his grip on Madara's neck. Madara tried to pry Hidan's hand off his neck, but had no luck. He could have allowed Hidan's hands to pass through his body, but he didn't think of that.

"If you lay single fuckin' figure on Emi, I will rip your dick off and choke you with it." Hidan spat, his purple eyes turning red with rage and jealousy. Madara was pushed further up the wall, his feet no longer touching the floor.

"What's...wrong Hidan? Ca...can't take a...little competition?" Madara managed to say. Hidan tightened his grip on Madara's neck, and held him there for a few seconds before dropping him and disappearing into the shadows. Madara fell to his knees, holding his throat and coughing. Once he was sure he was able to correctly breath again, he slowly stood up and walked to his room. He could have avoided that. He undressed, took a shower, and changed into a pair of boxers for the night. While he laid back on his bed, he thought of a terrible thought. He shot out of bed and threw on a T-Shirt that said "Tobi is a good boy!". He ran down the hall as fast as he could to Emi's room. She wasn't there. "Shit!" He ran back up the hall to Hidan's room and broke open the door. Emi was sitting, tied up and gagged, on Hidan's bed, Hidan was slapping her around. She was crying.

Madara ran over to Hidan and pulled him off of Emi, slamming him into the wall. Madara ran back to Emi and started to untie her. "I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I didn't mean for this to happen..." Madara whispered to Emi while he untied her. "Run. Go to my room. Hurry!"

Emi jumped off the bed and ran down the hall to Madara's room.

"You little fucker." Hidan muttered, wiping some blood off his chin. Hidan charged at Madara, slammed him to the floor, and began punching him in the stomach. Madara kicked Hidan and threw a few punches, each getting blocked, Madara kicked at Hidan's legs. Once again, this was one of those moments where Madara wasn't thinking straight enough to just let Hidan pass threw him. Sasori, Deidara, and Kakuzu gathered at Hidan's door to watch the fight. Hidan pulled a hidden blade out of his sleeve, and managed to nick Madara's cheek. "Shit."

"Take this fucker!" Hidan yelled, laughing. He licked the blade and his skin turned black with white bones. It was at this point, Kakuzu stepped in and restrained Hidan, Sasori and Deidara held Madara back and pulled him into the hall.

"Madara, walk away. Hidan could have killed you in there if we didn't step in." Sasori said, walking Madara back towards his room.

"Hidan's a jackass. Don't let him get too far under your skin, hmm." Deidara added, opening the door to Madara's room. Madara stepped inside and closed the door behind him. He let out a long sigh and sat down on the edge of the bed, wiping the blood off his cheek. If he was thinking, he could have easily taken Hidan out with his Sharingon.

"I'm sorry...this is all my fault..." Emi sadly said, sitting behind Madara and leaning her head against his back.


End file.
